Egg donor blog

I live in a jurisidiction where egg donation is altruistic, not paid for, and I donated eggs soley because I wanted another couple to experience the joy of becoming a family. My egg donor family now have a beautiful little girl who is 4 months old and want to keep in touch with me as the egg donor, which I’m thrilled about, but I’m finding myself spending a lot of time thinking about that little girl and “what if” and feeling really connected with her. Did you feel like that ever and how do I work through it to make it a really positive connection?

I so completely get how you’re feeling, which is why I chose to donate anonymously. Truthfully, I cannot imagine personally knowing the babies resulting from a donation. I can assume it’s the equivalent of an open adoption, which I could not handle either–emotionally. And this is a very selfish, self-centered answer, but I’m trying to be as honest as I can in saying that I wouldn’t know how to handle the situation.

I can tell you that, objectively, I don’t think you’ll have any easier of a time as the baby gets older. If your contact with the baby continues and increases, you will, naturally, feel more connected. There is no way to undo that emotional relationship, so perhaps it’s best to scale back your time with the baby. Maybe only see pictures and hear updates, but have no physical contact…? I have a very dear friend who had two children before she was 18, and she gave them both up for adoption to the same family so both babies could grow up together as brother and sister. This was an open adoption, and they ended up calling her “Aunt,” and her parents were “Nana” and “Papa” who would babysit on the weekends. I’m not here to assess anyone’s situations, but I have concerns about the children at that point. The decision for openness in a relationship like this is made by adults to, in a way, assuage their emotional struggle–which is a natural turn of events. But to what affect of the child when s/he is 3 and 4 and 5 years old and is growing up with two women who are emotionally attached as mothers? And then what?, does the natural mother decide she needs to step back and then a 5-year-old wonders where his or her “Aunt” went? I cannot see it going well for you, or for the child, which is why most things are sealed until an 18th birthday.

I have no direct advice, and I’m sorry. I can only say that I understand your anxiety. Completely. And I am only speaking from a “how would I feel?” point of view–I, in no way, am judging, condemning or “teaching,” I’m…thinking aloud. I think it’s amazing that you’re involved–AMAZING, but it’s also very mature and commendable that you’re recognizing the potential “problem” of this scenario, and if you’re going to change the conditions of the relationship, you should do it now, because there is a too-late point, and it’s fastly approaching–for you and for the baby.

Good luck, and know that there is no right or wrong answer; do what your heart tells you, and mediate that with your head.